The “Check The Back Shelf” series returns with another look at the weirder world of cinema that video stores provided beyond the “New Releases” section. These unusual treasures were in the back of the shop, tucked away from the casual movie fans. B-movies, horror, foreign films, and rare bootlegs were just some of what was waiting there to be discovered.
by Ryan Acree (Twitter: @RyanAcree)
There are many movies with the same title. Usually, these are remakes or reimaginings of the original film to have that title. How strange is it though, that there are two movies titled “Toy Soldiers”, both about “kids vs. terrorists” released only 7 years apart? One in 1984 that is, frankly, terrible and one that is actually good, starring Sean Astin and Wil Wheaton, that was released in 1991.
Now imagine me in a locally owned video store around the summer 1991 as I heard about this “Toy Soldiers” movie with kids doing combat things like shooting guns and taking on terrorists. I had seen “Iron Eagle” and “The Last Starfighter” and of course kids love other movies about kids their own age!
Back to the video store… I am searching and searching through the isles in this very small, badly carpeted, horribly lit, video store looking for something to watch with my brother on a Saturday night. I was 14, my brother 17. We finally asked the clerk to see if “Toy Soldiers” was out, and he looked in his database and said, “Yeah, we have ‘Toy Soldiers’.” He helped us locate it on the shelf and the first clue that this was not the movie I was thinking about was that it was not in the New Releases section. The second clue was the clerk looked at it and said, “Are you sure,” as he looked and saw it was rated R. It looked to be about kids versus terrorists and we were on our way.
My brother and I pop in the VHS tape and the opening scene is a group of terrorists who kill off almost an entire village by a mass execution somewhere in the middle of a jungle. Then it cuts to these unrelateable rich kids on a tiny sailboat in South America as these horrid terrorists blow up a bus of locals and then take the kids hostage… They even try to rape one of the female characters.
It was this moment, with my mom looming nearby, that my brother and I realized this was no “Iron Eagle”. I never finished watching the movie mostly because I felt betrayed, kind of like when you order a nice looking chair for your room and it arrives and it is doll sized. Mostly, I was just embarrassed my brother and I decided THIS was the movie we were going to watch on a Saturday night.
I lost interest many years ago and of course high school and Nirvana and Pearl Jam and Soundgarden happened and the rest is history. Now fast-forward to today and I found the actual “Toy Soldiers” movie I was supposed to watch.
You can hear all about that discovery on our podcast, Episode 36.
Now let’s revisit the older “Toy Soldiers” from 1984. How bad was it? Why did I actually stop watching it? Why was I so embarrassed? Was it for the brief nudity or because it was done in such a violent way? Well, I was about to find out.
I was able to acquire a copy, and I can’t believe Cleavon Little (“Blazing Saddles”) and Tim Robbins (“The Shawshank redemption”) signed off on being in such a film. Anyway, IMDB breaks it down like this:
“While on a vacation in Central America, some American teenagers are kidnapped by terrorists. A rescue mission is sent after them, but they manage to escape and join up with a mercenary fighting the terrorists.”
Now the main actors are absolutely terrible and it sounds like they are mostly just reading the lines. It’s no exaggeration to say, I have seen better acting in some X-rated movies. The bratty Beverly Hills teens are just that, bratty, very unlikeable.
Let me break down the plot from the beginning, in the intro scene, they leave their adult captain, Jason Miller (“The Exorcist”), out at sea just so they can drink and party. Nothing about this group of elite rich kids is appealing or sympathetic in any way.
They then get caught by the terrorists whose only motivation is political power for their leader, played by Mexican filmmaker Rodolfo de Anda as Col. Lopez. The colonel is actually playing both sides as a protectorate of the Central American country and as the leader of the terrorist organization.
So when the bratty kids had to go ashore to get help for one of the characters who got a concussion by falling because he was too drunk. They got a lift from a local priest who is driving families to get back possession of their land that was seized by these terrorists. Unfortunately, the terrorists ambush them, beat up the priest, pull the Americans aside, and then blow up the truck that still had those poor families inside.
They kidnap the Americans and the priest and all of it from this point is pretty grotesque and rather horrible to watch (as if two mass murders were not enough). They put all the kids in a small room in the middle of the jungle, and it is just watching bad men do bad things. They try to rape the one girl and for fighting back she almost gets killed, until their leader arrives.
Looking back on it now, when they try to rape that girl is about when my brother and I realized that this is not the movie we wanted. It was a bit too real, too violent, and not the fun Sean Astin movie we were expecting.
So now picking up from where I stopped it years ago…
The colonel winds up with other ideas, besides killing, as he holds the American kids for ransom. The Colonel splits up the Americans and puts the group in a cell and the girl in the storm shelter with the beat down priest. The priest who eventually dies while she is in this bunker with him. She manages to escape by getting underneath the body of the priest in this coffin while the cemetery workers are taking him out. She then manages to get out at the gravesite by animating the dead corpse of the priest scaring the gravediggers. It honestly was like something out of “Sharknado” or some other far-fetched farce of a movie.
Some of the kids wind up escaping with help from Jason Miller’s boat captain character, who happens to be a Vietnam vet, named “Sarge.” He urges them to save themselves and leave, which they do. Miller’s portrayal of “Sarge” is way over the top and clearly intended to be a “John Rambo”-kind of character.
If the kids seemed like horrible people, seeing the rescued ones in their extravagant homes with their servants, riding in limos, and being poolside all while their remaining friends are still in a dire situation will just make you even sicker. Seeing the montage of these kids trying to get ready for battle, when they decide to go back to save their friends, is almost like something out of an SNL skit.
To be honest, Jason Miller is probably the best part of the film and it is easy to see how he has a soft spot for the kids through his rough exterior. Cleavon Little sort of plays a “hype man” as Sarge’s old war buddy. As much as I liked Cleavon’s calm swagger that we see in films like “FM” this is another sidekick role for him and he only appears in the last half of the movie in about four scenes. Oh, and this is one of Tim Robbins’ earlier roles where he is probably about 26 trying to play an 18-year-old and thankfully he does not have many lines either. I am sure both Tim and Cleavon would have liked for audiences to not remember this film.
Anyway, the rescue mission sequence, at the end of the film, fails with bad timing, bad lighting, and just overall bad planning. You don’t even know if they are doing well at certain points or not. The rescue is supposed to happen at dawn yet there are also scenes in the dark then it switches to a scene in daylight.
There is also talk and buildup of this secret weapon that Sarge possesses, but it turns out to all just be fireworks. Literally, they wired the terrorist camp with fireworks as the grand finale of the film. Sarge winds up eventually getting to the Colonel and the ransom money and they all wind up getting away. The drunken kid with the concussion, who was the main reason the rescue attempt was even happening, dies of course because he did not get medical attention.
There was no good confrontation at the end where the main girl gets to confront the Colonel. She does expose him as being a double agent, but that’s it. The final hand-to-hand confrontation instead is between Sarge and the colonel. The story then tries to build up the excitement by the rescue plane almost leaving Sarge behind as they escape. I guess there was a theme here of saving yourself and leaving the others behind? The plot here is muddled and there is no real epilogue either, just a plane riding out into the sunrise as the credits roll.
Now compare this to the 1991 “Toy Soldiers”, the acting, directing, set design, music, and cinematography are no match for the MST3K-worthy 1984 “Toy Soldiers”. I mean, “Toy Soldiers” (1991) stars two of my favorite actors – Sean Astin and Wil Wheaton. Sean was a beloved favorite for his roles in “The Goonies” and “White Water Summer” as is Wil Wheaton for his role in “Stand by Me” as the gentle-natured storytelling friend, Gordie. Yes, “Toy Soldiers” (1991) was also about some kids that had to fight their fear and come up with a plan to take on terrorists that were holding them hostage because there was no other help coming, but that is about where the comparisons end. They couldn’t be any more different, especially in terms of quality!
So if you are into watching bad movies or maybe as a student of what NOT to do, go ahead and watch “Toy Soldiers” (1984). As I was watching, I kept thinking to myself, “Why would any studio want to make this movie and why is it so violent?” Either way, I was glad to see what I missed all those years ago by watching the whole thing now. I’m glad because now I never have to wonder about or see this terrible movie again.
